这是亲爱的zoeie自己写的噢～
楼楼现在把整个发出来🙂
1Theater
Zoe Kazan on Overcoming an Eating Disorder
Zoe Kazan. The writer and actress is now appearing in the Roundabout Theater Company production of “Love, Love, Love” and in the horror movie “The Monster.”
PHOTOGRAPHS BY TONY CENICOLA / THE NEW YORK TIMES
By ZOE KAZAN
NOVEMBER 17, 2016
I was 19 and had fallen in love. He was a grad student who lived in a long, narrow apartment with a room devoted solely to books. I didn’t live there with him, but my toothbrush did. I lived in a dorm a 10-minute drive away, but he and I hardly spent a night apart. When I’d finished my work for the day, he’d pick me up at the back gate of my dorm. I always ran to his car, because it was cold and because walking would not get me to him fast enough. This was first love, the real thing, the full symphony.
But I thought his love was predicated on my ability to keep a secret from him. I’ll tell you that secret, because I’m not afraid you won’t love me: For a year and a half, I had been struggling with a bout of anorexia that had knocked 20 pounds off my already slim frame. I had to be weighed multiple times a week at the medical center at Yale, where I went to school, and I saw a therapist almost as often. The causes for my eating disorder ran along the usual lines: depression, an inability to express my rage, a desire to exert control, a desire to feel less, a desire to have my body express the things my voice could not. That, and I had gotten in the habit of believing it was better to take up less space. When I met the boy I fell in love with, I was a year into this disease and subsisting on less than 500 calories a day.
Love didn’t make me better, but it made me happier. And it gave me the incentive to appear well, even if I was not. My boyfriend would make a full pot of Persian-style rice and put half of it on my plate. He’d buy me a giant bowl of oatmeal, loaded with peaches and granola and nuts. I ate everything he gave me. This was when I was still chugging liters of water before my appointments, to bring up my weight. But in his presence, I ate, because I thought if he knew there was something wrong with me, he wouldn’t want me. And I ate because the food came from him, which pardoned it in my disordered mind. Anything he touched was good, including me.
楼楼现在把整个发出来🙂
1Theater
Zoe Kazan on Overcoming an Eating Disorder
Zoe Kazan. The writer and actress is now appearing in the Roundabout Theater Company production of “Love, Love, Love” and in the horror movie “The Monster.”
PHOTOGRAPHS BY TONY CENICOLA / THE NEW YORK TIMES
By ZOE KAZAN
NOVEMBER 17, 2016
I was 19 and had fallen in love. He was a grad student who lived in a long, narrow apartment with a room devoted solely to books. I didn’t live there with him, but my toothbrush did. I lived in a dorm a 10-minute drive away, but he and I hardly spent a night apart. When I’d finished my work for the day, he’d pick me up at the back gate of my dorm. I always ran to his car, because it was cold and because walking would not get me to him fast enough. This was first love, the real thing, the full symphony.
But I thought his love was predicated on my ability to keep a secret from him. I’ll tell you that secret, because I’m not afraid you won’t love me: For a year and a half, I had been struggling with a bout of anorexia that had knocked 20 pounds off my already slim frame. I had to be weighed multiple times a week at the medical center at Yale, where I went to school, and I saw a therapist almost as often. The causes for my eating disorder ran along the usual lines: depression, an inability to express my rage, a desire to exert control, a desire to feel less, a desire to have my body express the things my voice could not. That, and I had gotten in the habit of believing it was better to take up less space. When I met the boy I fell in love with, I was a year into this disease and subsisting on less than 500 calories a day.
Love didn’t make me better, but it made me happier. And it gave me the incentive to appear well, even if I was not. My boyfriend would make a full pot of Persian-style rice and put half of it on my plate. He’d buy me a giant bowl of oatmeal, loaded with peaches and granola and nuts. I ate everything he gave me. This was when I was still chugging liters of water before my appointments, to bring up my weight. But in his presence, I ate, because I thought if he knew there was something wrong with me, he wouldn’t want me. And I ate because the food came from him, which pardoned it in my disordered mind. Anything he touched was good, including me.
